You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
