so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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