Porn is love you can see.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
