Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize