My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
