he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
