So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
