I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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