I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
