he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
