If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
