if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
