I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
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