It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
