wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
