her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
