dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
