Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
