I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
