It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
