i love accidental penises.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize