Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
did you just send me my own nude
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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