This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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