i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize