That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
