Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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