A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
