Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
