Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
