I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Randomize