Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
