Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
