Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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