I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
