Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
