i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
