So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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