Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
