Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
