Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My hand turned me down
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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