My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
