The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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