If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
