I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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