The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
