I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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