happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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