just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
