I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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