i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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