I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize