My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
