and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
