She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize