Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We named our party play list daddy issues
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
