I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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