I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
