My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
