Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
