Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize