Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
