I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
