Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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