I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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